Pressing Into the Heart of God

I was deleting some documents off my computer the other day when I came across an unknown file.  I opened it to see what it was and I found the ramblings of a man who was in a lot of pain, and was talking through his feelings with God.  I found it encouraging to read.  It was dated Feb 2011, I thought I might share it with you. 

 

Hey

Just a little journaling for my email journal…

Crap.  This really sucks.  My heart is quite heavy this grand and glorious day.  I feel like God screwed up, that he gave me this wife and this family and placed a bunch of expectations on me.  Knowing from where I came and what I am made of, knowing my hurts and habits, my crap and the crumbs from whence I came, He set me up for failure.  He knows I could never live up to the task.  It makes me want to curse Him, tell Him off and punch Him in the face. 

When I ask God why this is the way it is, He says..

“Terry.  I know you.  I have always known you.  I was there the day you were conceived in sin and lust, pain and loneliness.  I was there the day your father’s heart turned from me and He rejected this path.  I was there through the pain, the hurt, the drugs, the alcohol. Always calling your name, always protecting you, always holding your heart in my hands. Molding clay is one thing Terry, but molding stone is quite another.

You ran from me, you turned from my love and from my care.  Yet, Terry I never left you, I never forced you to follow me. I was always there when you cried out in the night, when your heart was heavy like it is today, I am always there. I was there the night you came home half drunk and you opened your heart to me and I was able to draw near to you, and heal your alcoholism. We started walking together again, like we did when you were young, when you didn’t know pain, but only had love and trust in your heart.  That was a long time ago.

We walked together, and I showed you your failure. I showed you the source of your pain and I asked for your life so that I could bring healing and restoration. It has a been a long journey, you and me and we are not done yet. You see more and more each day, the pain your carry, the hurts in your heart, the lies that turned you away from me and left you at the hands of your enemy, to condemn you and control you, to bring you into bondage. I have come to set you free…trust me. Yet in the eyes of the evil one you want to curse me. Do not fear. Trust in God, trust also in me.”  Jesus

Forget it!  You cause my pain.  You hurt me.  You allow the things in my life that disable me, that prevent me from loving, from helping, from caring.  Then you lay all this crap on me and expect me to get it right, and when I don’t you just laugh.  Another big joke on Terry.  My life is a joke.

Of course I ‘know’ better than that.  I know God is love and I know I have an enemy, and I know the voice of the evil one verse the one who does cares for me, but since when does care involve pain.  Kiss off.  I hate pain, I hate hurt, I hate you.  The voices ring through my head, and I grow weary.  Why bother, why try, find your own way.  Protect yourself.  Make a bubble, crawl in a pile of crap, run, hide, do whatever you have to do to be safe, to be in control, to be able to avoid everything in life that hurts. 

That is not life.  That is why Jesus came that I could have life, and not just life but an abundant life.  A life of milk and honey.  Not free from storms, but when the storms come I can walk with the person who created storms, and has control over them.  Not free from death, but I can walk with the man who overcame death.  Not free from temptation, but with the man who overcome temptation.  Not free from betrayal, from hurt, from pain, but I can walk with the man, who was there through the betrayal, the hurt, the pain, knowing that in the midst of it all that He still loved me and that He experienced the same pain, the same hurt and the same betrayal.

He created me, He was not absent in my pain, He felt the same pain, the same sin that sinned against me, was sinned against Him.  The same person who brought me pain in their disobedience, brought the same pain to Him.  He was not watching from a distance, He was there with me.  Feeling what I felt, experiencing what I experience.  He knows.  He is in everything. Holding, healing, urging, protecting, providing.  Jesus is everything.  Jesus is enough. 

I am not alone, do not despair.  So, the lies are…

I am alone.

God is against me.

I am powerless.?

 

I know that I am not the only person to ever feel this way, and I share this today as an encouragement, and as a reminder that through the pain and through the anger, through it all – as long as we turn to Him, He will always be there for us.  That is the heart of God.

 

 

Live Love Share

I once heard a story about a man and his wife who spent about 45 minutes mowing and cleaning up a neighbor’s yard as the neighbor was in a tough spot.  Their simple act of kindness opened a door to share the gospel with a young couple and the kingdom grew by two that day.

The cool thing is the couple didn’t start a new lawn mowing ministry, and mow every one’s lawn then bombard them with the gospel.  It was just two people responding to the Holy Spirit, and watching what God did with it.  They obeyed the Spirit and people got saved. 

Tonight my son brought over a dozen students from his dorm for dinner.  When my wife and I found out, our first thought was, we never envisioned ourselves doing college ministry.  Then we talked about it and wondered why we feel like we have to name it, and label?  We just need to respond in obedience to what God is doing, live out of our hearts, and love the people God loves.  We were not engaged in ministry we were engaged in life. 

Jesus didn’t have a healing ministry and a feeding the poor ministry, and a leper’s ministry.  Jesus simply listened to the Father’s voice and joined Him in His work.  Some days that was lepers, other days it was raising the dead, and some days it was ruffling the feathers of some religious folk.  Jesus lived out of His heart, and I think the verses in Matt 28, and Acts 2 speak to a relational evangelism, people living out of their hearts day by day and when needed speaking God’s words in love, extending His invitation for eternal life. 

I don’t think its Gods heart that we should join or start evangelism ministries.  Nothing wrong with knowing the gospel message and yes God needs people to respond in love to the people who He puts in our path.  After all God is hard at work every day speaking to people.  We don’t need to go looking for strangers to share with, we got neighbors and friends and family all around us every day.  People who need to see the truth lived out, before they will believe the Truth within. 

My encouragement to you today… Go love somebody.